Dragon of the Scribe











I’m seeing a very strong, very bad pattern emerging.  I gotta break it before it’s too late.

What’s the pattern?  Starting something exciting, learning about it, getting bored, dropping it.

I’ve done this several times, World of Warcraft, Knitting, and dare I say Puppy Play.  Oh yes… I’ve started a lot of life changing things simply because I was bored with it.

Puppy Play not withstanding – that’s more of conflict of interest at the moment due to life explosion.  Everything else was boredom. It’s also why starting a blog is a big deal.  I have a tendency to drop things like this.  I’m already starting to notice my inability to stay active.

I want to design the blog so it’s more “attractive.”  I want it to get attention, and I know in order to do that, it needs to pop.  I’m not good with things like that.  I want to create it in my vision, but I don’t know how.

So here’s how I’m stopping myself from abandoning this dream of theory. I’m going to write everyday that I’m at home.  At some point, maybe the blog will change.  I’m not sure when, or how – but I will find a way to make it more mine.

This random blog is brought to you by 4:30 am.  Good morning sunrise, pleasure to see you.



{June 29, 2012}   I Can Explain

So, I wrote this one night in my word processor, in fear of it not making sense.  I expected to read it the next day and edit it, but never got around to.  So, this has been added to a few times, expecting to at some point finishing it and never did.  Why I didn’t show this sooner I have no idea, but I find it rather amusing.

Dissecting Einstein’s Quote

Everybody is a Genius

But if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree,

Then it will spend it’s whole life thinking it’s stupid.

How many of you have heard this quote?

How many of you thought deeper about the quote, and truly understand it?

How many of you wrote this all down?

How many of you found yourselves as the regular fish?

Have you found yourself among the special fish?

Have you figured out what a genius is?

Einstein’s quote broken up into what seems to be a simple question, each brings up a thought process to what we call “a profound thought.” A profound thought is that other way of thinking. It’s shown through artwork, inventions, mathematics, philosophy. Every single one of us have this ability. We are all capable of having a profound thought, but most of us don’t realize it. We are lead to believe that only SOME individuals have that unique gift that separates us from them.

Now, the above statement is a profound thought. I had the ability to show how the fish and genius’ were related. I realize that because I had this process, I could say ‘well I’m a genius because I thought of that.’ and it would be true. Having the ability to UNDERSTAND exactly what a profound thought is, makes you different from those who can’t.

This is how we managed to isolate ourselves from everyone else. Most of us have rarely ever taken the time to fully dissect this quote like I have. Those of us who have, could say we are among that population of individuals that could. Following me so far? Okay, because this is where it’s going to get confusing fast.

How do we know what a genius is? They do something no one else can. For example: Inventors. People who designed, created and improved systems. We call them “innovative, creative, brilliant” simply because they took a problem – looked at it differently – and adapted to it to create something new.

So, basically – genius’ have to be known about to be genius’, right? No. A genius is a person who can take that profound thought, and change it into something tangible. They take that thought, and make it true. A dream basically. Individuals with a unique talent, that we all posses and rarely used or talked about.

So again, I make the connection, we are all genius’. We can’t figure out that ‘something special’ about ourselves. We believe we don’t have anything unique or special, and we believe we’re stupid for it. So you see how this becomes a cycle. This is going to get far into the rabbit hole.

So, if it only takes a single profound thought, to make you a genius – then EXPLAINING this process is a profound thought transformed into something tangible. I not only had the ability to write this all down, and explain it to others – I had the ability to see THAT from a different angle, and put it into words.

My tree is my ability to write from a point of view unique to me. I am among the few that could do this, and write it down – but there are those others who have as well. Once again, I’m back in the unique group we call genius’.

And looking from all of this: I am Profound and Enlightened.

No, no I wasn’t.

I missed the point entirely. It’s amazing how a quote can change lives, and take us forever to understand. How we see ourselves, how we judge others, how we perceive so-called perfection among us. That thought right there, is how simple his quote really was. It wasn’t about us knowing what fish could climb a tree, it wasn’t us being a fish, and it wasn’t us being so-called perfect.

I over thought it. It made me realize another thing – for years and years people have been telling me I’m over thinking. Telling me to calm down, tell me to stop worrying about it. It has been what I thought was honestly helping me. Helping me be smarter, helping me deal with things, helping me be rational… and it was why I was destroying myself. Now I realize, they were right. Answers should be simple, and most answers are.

I’m going to meditate once a day for an hour for a week.

No need to.  I found my answer.  It’s as simple as it is.  Motivation = Experiment.  One change in the perception, to change how everything is perceived.  Simple and elegant.

You know… you’d think I’d get it by now.

The facepalm I made when realizing I’m over analyzing is why I kept the page and decided to show it.  I found it comical, knowing very few people would.  I’m learning, and acknowledging it.



{June 29, 2012}   My Brain Hurts – Again.

I have a theory that this title will begin to become a trend.  Also, I’ve discovered two brand new things.

  1. I’m going to read and review a book my cousin recommended to me.
  2. I really don’t want to read the book, so I turned it into an experiment.

Okay, so I’m going to review a book my cousin is trying to shove down my throat.  I love my cousin, he’s one of my closest relatives that I still feel loved by – but a book isn’t likely to teach me anything new.  I’m keeping the book a secret at the moment.  Not because I don’t want you guys to know what it is – I’m just too ignorant (yeah, I’m using that word) to bother remembering the name right now.  I’m too ignorant because I honestly believe that book has nothing new to teach me.  It will tell me things I already know, and is doing what I’m trying to do now.  I’m scared that book has already accomplished what I wanted with this blog.

If it did, it either proves me right or wrong.

It proves me right that a person can cure their own depression, wrote a book about it – and helping people.  I read it, recommend it – and become part of that cycle.  It also means that this is an incorrect experiment for figuring out Discovery.  I’m now part of the equation that is trapped within the box.

It disproves to teach me anything new, and it continues being a waste of time.  Either way, I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to read the book, but now my Husband wants me to.  If for nothing else, as an experiment.  Since I came up with these possibilities of what the book will do – I now have to prove it.  I now have to prove what the question is, and what the possibilities are.  And I come up with something extraordinary.

Motivation’s for are experiments!  This is where my brain exploded.  I now know how to motivate myself, and that is incredible.  Praise, rewards, discipline – normal methods of teaching new concepts don’t work for me.  House work was never positive, no matter how I looked at it – work was work.  What if I started looking at it as an experiment.

My husband is a genius.  As soon as I mentioned this possible concept – he had idea’s. And so, my life of experimentation begins.  Theory of Discoveries, and understanding breakthroughs here I come.

 

So yes, I will be doing a review on the book my cousin recommended me.  Want to know something hilarious now?  I went to look for the name of the book, and couldn’t find it.  I did find the name of the author, John F. Demeitri.

I am a genius.  I’m also an idiot.



Not my picture! 🙂

So.  Why am I talking about this?  It’s illegal with few exceptions, such as medical reasons in certain states.  It’s considered a ‘gateway’ drug to far harsher street drugs – like crack.  It’s also one of the most misunderstood substances in the known world at this moment in time.  Why?

When I was 17, I woke up screaming.  The pain in my hip – which was very real but without any known cause – was so intense, my dad made a phone call.  He called a friend of mine, who he knew smoked pot.  My dads a Registered Nurse for Psychiatric care.  Pain killers doctors wanted to put me on were extremely powerful and dangerous.  He’d rather see me high on something that might actually help, and not risk severe complications such as organ failure from prescriptions.

I went to my friends house, and he offered me a bowl.  For the first time, I could sleep a full night and wake up in less pain.

This was a breakthrough.  I started to study it, I didn’t smoke it often – only using it when I was in severe pain or as an alternative way to celebrate – instead of drinking.

Between then, and 24 – it was rarely something I did.  A few months ago, I started losing my ability to eat, drink and sleep.  I started writing this blog, and I started to smoke up more frequently.

June 4th was my birthday.  As you can imagine, green was something that I was offered as presents.  I smoked up every day.  This wasn’t normal – and my Husband was less than thrilled with this development.  I understand his reasoning for being upset.  I never smoked up much before, and suddenly I was high at least once a day.  This IS NOT healthy, and have since been far more careful with it.  However; that does not mean he thinks it’s bad for me and is telling me to stop.

Weed has many benefits that has helped me tremendously.  It’s been getting me to eat more.  I’m slowly starting to have an appetite, and a regular eating pattern.  It calms me down faster after an episode, allowing me to focus on something different – such as a show – artwork – or writing.  It also helps me sleep regular hours.

This is not a cure-all drug.  This is not something that I believe makes all my worries go away – nor is it something that I believe is just a placebo.  Before that phone call my dad made, I had the firm belief that weed was a horrible thing, that it destroyed lives and extremely dangerous.  My dad explained that it would at the very least help me sleep, but didn’t give me a lot of details.  He said he didn’t like how it affected him, being too similar to being drunk.  (My dad doesn’t like the feeling of lack of control, so being high or drunk my dad avoids like the plague).

I knew it was suppose to help the pain and sleep, I didn’t realize how it would change how I felt completely.  I enjoy eating.  I enjoy learning. It didn’t make me change how I saw my life, it didn’t change who I was, and it didn’t change how life was.  It didn’t cure me, but it helped me.

My sleep schedule’s are something that have been an issue for years.  I wanted to talk to a doctor about it, knowing the serious implications connected to my illness.  He gave me pills that would help me fall asleep and keep me there – but not knock me out.  This is night 4.  A few hours of sleep here, 8 hours there… and last night over 17 hours.  This is not safe.   This is also with my system cleared of THC.  I’ve  talked to my first doctor about my regular prescriptions with weed, and I know that while he cannot give comment – did say that there would be no reaction.  My family doctor I knew he would give a biased answer, and chose not to risk complications.

I do not like this medication for sleep.  It’s unpredictable, and obviously not correcting the issues, but making them worse.  I’d rather take something that I know works, has no complications or side affects.  I’d rather take something illegal – safe – and works on a number of problems.  Not only has marijuana helped my pain, eating habits and sleep – it’s making me realize how dangerous some medicines actually are.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I smoke weed.  I’m not sorry for it.  It doesn’t mean I’m high 24/7, it doesn’t mean I’m a pot head.  Hell, I’m not even high right now.  This article is now starting to drag on, I’m still very tired, and not able to concentrate from over sleeping. Anyway, take this article as you may, I’m expecting comments.



{June 29, 2012}   Sleeping Troubles

One of the worst issues I suffer with is my sleeping patterns.

I went to bed at 12:30 last night, taking sleeping medication to help me fall asleep.  I was averaging only a few hours of sleep at a time a few weeks prior.  Before that, I was averaging around 12 hours of sleep.

3 hours of sleep, near 24 hours of awakefulness  to 12 hours of sleep to only 2 hours of wakefulness.  I woke up at 5:30, I was in bed when my husband came home from work.

Knowing this, I’m too tired and it’s too late for me to want to do anything.  I’m sleepy still, uninterested, and exhausted.  My biggest fear is Leina coming home and being upset with lack of chores done.  I’m insecure, scared and drilling into a whole of hopelessness.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to correct this either.

I know the pills are only meant to HELP allow me to fall asleep, they’re not suppose to knock me out like this.  I am going to stop taking them and seeing how my patterns change.  From there, I’m going to figure out what the pattern is and correct the inconsistancies.  For now, I am taking a day to myself to relax.  There’s no point in working myself up, and Christophe is being understanding.

Some things are easier to fix.  Personality traits such as irrational fear – I know about.  I can work on correcting.  When something like sleep is affected, it takes a lot more awareness, understanding, and analysis to try and correct.  It takes time – and it’s obvious that seeing a doctor about it was a hit and miss.

This is a positive story by the way.  It’s positive because I’m taking a proactive look into a problem, trying to understand it, and experiment to fix it.  If I’m still having serious issues with it, I’ll look for a specialist.  If I’m starting to notice change – then I’m growing stronger.

The other issue that I’m having, is why am I having such a hard time with sleep?  Why did my body not wake myself up?  Well, my dreams are a big part of this.  When I’m having a hard time sleeping – its nightmares as the base cause.  My husband leaving me, or me going to a crush, violence, horror or just plain worst fears come true.  Nightmares are often noticed by my husband.  I bark in my sleep sometimes, or chatter/talk.  When those ‘normal’ sounds turn into crying with thrashing around – Christophe usually wakes me up and moves me where he can keep tabs.

It’s a lot rarer, and harder for outside help when I’m unable to wake up because my dreams are too good.  Last night, Chris and I went to bed, strengthened our bond and went to sleep.  When I woke up, I thought the sun was setting.  Checked my phone, it’s 5:30.

My dream?  I don’t know. I remember it being more fun than scary.  It was adventurous.  Time stopped, and I didn’t want to wake up.

Sleep is important, regular sleep even more so.  I should also mention the hot construction workers outside my window tearing up the side walk and roads.  I slept through it completely.  Alarm clocks won’t wake me up, and the sound of a baby is also ignored.   No, there’s no babies anywhere near us – but I do have a Siamese cat.  His meow is the same frequency as a new born.  He didn’t manage to wake me up.

This is extreme.  The more I learn about myself, the better.



Best Of The ‘Mother of God’ Meme! | SMOSH.



No, I’m not undermining my intelligence – so much as implying it’s to blame.  Answers to a difficult problem are often as difficult to understand as the problem itself.  Like how I’m talking right now, I’m thinking too much.  Over thinking of how to solve this, or how to explain that.  I calculate every detail of my actions, of possibilities and what I do in response.  I think “I really should clean the pages of my math.”  Then, I debate about just keep doing what I’m doing.  Sitting in front of the computer, watching you tube.  Admittedly, they were educational – not the point.

 

I quietly thought to myself – here’s a problem you are now aware of.  Here  is something you have just admitted to yourself doing, how many others can say that?  The ability to put words about something of yourself.  A personality trait, a behavioral quirk, an issue you want to change.  It’s not easy admitting it, and even harder to say it out loud.  Here was a unique opportunity show people how I’m growing as a person.

I wanted to take this time to write this on my blog about how I’m going to change this small part of me.  Starting with picking up the paper.

This, for most people, seems like a small change.  ‘You don’t want to clean up the papers, so you’re going to pick them up?”  It sounds rhetorical and rather idiotic.  It’s not for me.  One of my biggest problems is lack of motivation.  Lack of motivation because I haven’t been inspired.  Pain, anger, rewards – they can only motivate someone so much.  At a certain point, they need a reason – an inspiration.

I need to want it.  So I’m doing this.  I want to visually show other’s my internal structure of my feelings. I want to improve myself as a whole, by picking up the math papers, cleaning the kitchen, and vacuuming.  Beliving that by doing so, I will become happier, healthier and continue to being strong.

 



{June 26, 2012}   Everybody is a Genius

http://cristianmihai.net/2012/06/21/the-portrait-of-a-writer-1/

I wanted to share the article with you. It’s underlying message is very powerful 🙂  Below is the following comment I left. There will be an article about this later on.

Everyone is a Genius

But if you judged every fish by it’s ability to climb a tree?
Well, you’d feel stupid too.

This quote is my favourite. It also took me 7 years to finally get what Einstein meant. It’s incredible what we don’t see in quotes that have changed lives. When we do see it though, everything changes. How we look at ourselves, how we judge others, how we perceive ourselves among so-called perfection.

When we get that moment, that eye opener of “I get this.”, changes everything of how we see the world. In that moment, you just understand what you need to do. You see yourself looking at you, like a mirror.

Your writing was absolutely beautiful, you portrayed yourself truly with elegance and wisdom. Thank you.

The Dragon’s Scribe.



Every week, I decided to make a goal to help improve myself.  Since this is my first goal, I thought I’d start with something simple, but powerful.

One positive story a day for a year.  The story has to be at least 500 words, have to be true – and has to be positive about myself.

So, what about my first story, what should I write about?  Well, what about what I’m doing right now?  How writing as become my medium for self expression.

I believe everyone has a talent that falls into one of these major catagories.

  • Technology – computers, mechanics, builders, inventors… someone who expresses themselves by creating something new
  • Manual Labour – geologist, hands-on learning, carpenters, sculptors… someone who creates something from basic materials
  • Academics – teachers, scientists, philosophers – someone who expresses themselves through educational discoveries
  • Arts – painters, writers, poets – someone who expresses themselves through creative works (novels, paintings, so on)

These are vague I know… and horribly inaccurate as everyone can fall into any of these or multiple.  It has helped me pinpoint my strengths though, helped me see where my talents and potential lies.

I am not a creator of new things – nor am I really a hands-on sort of person.  However; I do have great passion in Academics, and I’m proving myself to be a decent writer.  I have always been a scribe for knowledge.  Wicca is a great example of this, as I used to have a massive collection of various articles on different subjects.  I was the person to go to when there was a question that was hard to find.  None of these articles, at least very few of them, were actually my own.  I soon later had the misfortune of losing the entire disk when my portable hard drive fried.

I quickly found myself a new passion though.  In December, Chris’ friend bought me one of the grandest gifts of all time.  Everything I’m wearing (with the exception of a few things missing – and excluding the collars) was given to me by this person for Christmas.

Full lycria skin suit – this is the same thing some performers wear to do UV puppets, dances and so on.  Full arm, leather bondage gloves that can be turned into paws.  A belt for a tail, and some restraints to keep me from standing up.  This is Puppy Play.  A relatively mild form of kink, related to things like Pony Play.  It started out as a punishment for subs, being treated as a dog – but then it turned into something much more than that.  A lot of people ENJOYED being a dog.  For me, this was a calling.  This was something that was a part of me, and I always loved pretending to be a dog.

So, of course before I did ANYTHING, I do what I always do.  Research.  I wanted to know safety, what I needed to do, what was expected and so on.  I spent HOURS upon hours looking for anything in regards to it – and there was very little information that wasn’t out right porn.  Once I felt comfortable enough, I had my first puppy play session with my friends.

The next few days left me completely unprepared.  I went through a Sub-Drop that lasted a good week.  It wasn’t until I started actually LOOKING for articles about it, did I actually find it.  It wasn’t talked about at all in anything I read.  Not even the mere mention of the potential dangers of sub drop.  This not only surprised me, I was outraged.  I began looking it up, and realized that a lot of deaths associated with the KINK community (which has a strong emphasis of safety) were actually caused by suicides.  Not only that, but people were afraid of talking about their experiences.  I knew this had to change.

I began writing.  At first I was writing about how I was feeling, and encouraging others to share.  Then, I began detailing what it was, and how to help over come it.

This article was my discovery about my ability to write about subjects that are considered taboo in a way that people can relate to.  Instead of seeing it as something negative, people were beginning to see the articles in relations to themselves, not me.  My writing, despite being personal experiences, were not being seen as egotistical or pity-seeking.  They were being treated as ‘I’m not alone.’

This is my positive story of the day.  If it wasn’t for that experience, I would have never known my true calling as a Scribe.



{June 26, 2012}   Misery Needs No Purpose

This topic is much more difficult to talk about.  Not because it upsets me, but because of it’s difficulty to describe.

Mood swings are a part of my every day life, and I’ve always accepted this notion.  I knew what they were, as most of my friends and we have all just brushed them aside as it just being part of who I was.

Several of my moods I can now classify and describe.

Episodes – periods of extreme emotional distress caused by a ‘trigger’.  Episodes cause me to spiral destructive thoughts, anxieties and lack of self-worth.  Memories of the good, accomplishments and pride are forgotten.  I’m unable to eat or drink, communication is near impossible and even the slightest gesture of good will can be interpreted as insulting, cruel or plain ignorant.  Very few people have witnessed these, and those who have are often confused.

The process often happens like this.  When something reminds me of my fears, bad memories – or self-doubt that has been building up without me realizing it – I become overwhelmed by it.  I can no longer think about anything but that, unable to stop crying from the pain of my emotional overload.  Nothing makes me happy, nothing distracts me, and I feel guilty about people trying to help me.  Chris has dealt with these for years, and has a system for it.  When there are others around, he’s programmed me to focus on him alone.  He talks to me quietly, and is very careful of his wordings.  He even takes the time to explain the situation to those who don’t understand.  To get me to eat and sleep, he encourages me to smoke weed – knowing I can’t feel hunger in the best of moods – and during an episode I’m unable to force myself on my own.  This herb is probably what has really saved my life during these attacks.  Not only does it help me eat, it helps me calm down, and allows me to focus on something different. Episodes used to last for days… now I’m able to pull myself out within half a day or less.

Episodes are rare – happening about once every few months.  I often describe them as seizures, as they have a similar unpredictable pattern – and often black out retention of what happened.  This is also why my condition is so dangerous – as without proper care – this could easily become deadly serious.

Luckily, most of my mood swings are much less intense – and because they’re not as catastrophic, they’re often ignored.  Undocumented mood swings is probably one of the reasons why people have a hard time believing they can get better.  People often think that their hard day was caused by outside influences, strokes of bad luck or just because.  I have a different theory based upon myself.  As with all my articles, everything I write is about myself and actually holds no medical value as far as treatments.

Yesterday was a good example of one of my mood swings that I often ignore, and really shouldn’t.  My lack of caring.  This is a mood swing, not a personality trait.  Why?  Because I do care about a lot of things.  It’s when I stop caring about things that I have interest in, there’s a problem.

Yesterday, for the first time in months, I spent the day with my husband together, alone.  This was extraordinary, we made love in the morning, we had tea and talked to each other – watched shows and enjoyed our energies mingling together. It was a perfect day – at least it should have been.  What went wrong?  He wanted us to go to co-op to get some food.

Now, before people go “WTF, seriously?  You had a mood swing because you were made to go out?”  this is a known fact.  It’s also why Chris forces me to go out, even when I really don’t want to.  It’s not that I’m spoiled, and it’s not that he’s being controlling – he’s pushing me to get better.  This mood also pisses him off like nothing else, it should be noted, but I don’t blame him for it.  Actually, it’s probably good he does, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken the time to figure out what this mood swing really is.

When I love something – and suddenly I hate it – it’s a problem.  Role Playing is a great example of this.  I get interested in watching people make characters, and listening to their stories – but as soon as Chris tries to get me into it – Fuck no.  I won’t even listen, and often tell him to shut up.  He asks me why suddenly, and I basically tell him it’s boring, I don’t care, it’s stupid… and put him down for it.  I never really listened to myself before, telling him things like that.  It made me think about how I felt at that time as well.  I felt… heavy, withdrawn, empty and lost.  I didn’t really feel depressed, upset, angry or happy… I felt isolated within myself.  I began to think about why I felt that way.  I began to think about how it affected my husband.  While I still don’t understand the root cause, or a course of action to correct this – I do understand that the acknowledgement of how it affects me being the first step in fixing it.

It’s one thing to tell people “Just be happy.”  It’s another to actually live in their lives.  For those of us with the chemical imbalances – or those who have depression from a traumatic event, the first step to getting better is admitting it.

The second step, is of course, visiting a doctor about it -as like I said – this can be a very dangerous illness.

The third step, figuring out yourself what’s wrong.  Taking the time to evaluate your moods, write them down, and think about cause and effects.

The fourth step, experimenting with ways to overcome them.  Little steps first.  My episodes are still very severe, but we have over the course of a few years, figured out ways to deal with them.

This disease is not cured by people telling you “get over it.”  or “It’s all in your head.” or “You’re full of shit, and looking for attention.” In fact, these misunderstandings of what the disease is causes more deaths then the depression itself.  It’s not something you can cure over night, and it’s not something that’s your fault.  It’s not my fault for having bad days, it’s not my fault for not being able to do everything I want to.  It’s not my fault my brain cannot process information as easily as it should.

It is my responsibility to try and correct it.  It’s my goal to use my process and help others.



et cetera