Dragon of the Scribe

{June 24, 2012}   Creating myself from the Outside – In

So, I got a haircut yesterday. I basically shaved my head, with the exception of two strands for pigtails in the back, two sections behind the ears, and my bangs.

Why? Because I saw Tank Girl a couple of days before, and was inspired by her hair cut. Her hair was bleached, but still had sections peiced together. It was very different, but she managed to pull the chaos off beautifully, and I knew I could pull that off as well.

On top of that. The character was very similar to me. She could take ANY situation with such stride and sense of humour that people saw her as childish. However; when she needed to get her act together – she got it done, her way! It reminded me of a lot of my positive attributes, as they were very similar to hers. Her relationship with her lover, children, friends was almost mirrored to how I have my own relationships. It also helped me see were my flaws stood. Not taking the time to evaluate a situation, no matter how familiar it is in order to make the correct course of actions. As an example, I once made a pizza order, and I thought I knew what he wanted – did it before he checked it – and turned out that he wanted to try something different. All of this, without once talking to him beforehand after he brought up of the IDEA of having pizza.

So, the idea of the haircut came from that. Why did I want to cut my hair anyways? I wanted to cut it for a number of reasons. One, I dyed it, and wanted to start fresh again. I already said that the year before when I had my hair shaved the last. Two, I liked the way the shaved head felt emotionally. I was a blank slate. I had no gender, people weren’t sure if I was a guy or a girl. They couldn’t see it, not in my face or my clothes – I was neutral. I was happier than I had been in a long time. I am female, I was born female. I have a lot of female traits and wants. I like shoes, I like dresses, I like doing girly things, like having my nails done. I’m also a boy too. I like bikes, I like mechanics, I like dressing in baggy clothes, and I have a strive for greater and wonderful things rather than being distracted by shiny jewelry or money.

Okay, so that’s why you wanted it – but why NOW?

What made me decide that yesterday was the perfect time to cut my hair? Well, for a few weeks before this, it was already being talked about by me. I’ve been talking about it, and nearly getting it down a few times – but yesterday I wanted it done. I needed to feel better about myself. I called myself lazy, ugly, stupid, fat, dependant, and leech like and that I didn’t need to be here anymore. I didn’t deserve friends, help or even kindness. After that, I sorta started thinking about it. I started thinking about how bad that really is for me, and that I needed to look in the mirror and see someone I could actually smile at. I had to look at myself from the outside, so I could see the inside of me more clearly. I had to remind myself that I had a lot of personality and quality. So I did. I got my nails done first. They’re an aqua blue glitter tip, with the thumbs having butterflies. Gel acrylic nails that are modern, elegant and feminine. This is the first time I’ve had a manicure like this.

This wasn’t all me though. I knew I had to get another part of my personality out in the open. I had to show the world who I was too, not just myself. I had to show them, and then be proud of myself for it! I had the elegance, the class, the love of art and beauty, but I also had happy-go lucky-does it my way personality. I wanted to speak them out! I have the traits, and I was ashamed of myself for them. I was ashamed of my mistakes, of my pride, of my awkward personality traits.  I needed to show myself it’s okay to have these feelings, and it’s okay to express them and be PROUD to have them.

This has also lead me to this thought. When we see “punk” hair cuts, and other forms of expression using unusual methods – we think it’s adolescent, weird, horrifying, or just plain tacky. I did. Now I look in the mirror and I don’t see that. I see myself as someone who truly expressed who they truly were on the inside.

It wasn’t my need to be different. It wasn’t my wanting attention. It wasn’t because I wanted to follow a different crowd. I truly used my unique sense of taste of things around me, to create an artwork on the outside.

I created myself, from the outside in.


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