Dragon of the Scribe

{June 26, 2012}   Education of Self

Learning is something I’ve always enjoyed, but school was difficult.  Due to distractions, lack of interest, or just not wanting to be at school made my academic progress falter greatly.

Both teachers and my parents thought I was slow, lazy or just plain arrogant towards my educational goals. The fact was, I was very smart, and very dedicated into doing something that I wanted to learn.

I never made A’s or B’s.  In fact, I got excited seeing a C on my report cards.  Final exams were a breeze for me, often getting 80’s, and even 90’s – despite having a 40% mark on my last report card.  It’s not because I studied extra hard, it’s just that once I learned something – I remember it.  I often got very bored in classes, often doodling on the paper – or staring off into space thinking about possibilities of how the knowledge would be viable in real life. It also didn’t help that during my time in high school, I was also counting down my own clock.  My depression was so deep and painful, I didn’t expect myself to be strong enough to survive.

Despite what I thought, and everyone else at the time about my failing grades – I knew I couldn’t have been an idiot.  Final exams aside.  When I was 12 year’s old, I lived in a small town named Pampa, Texas.  It’s located in the ‘Gray County’ of the Texan Panhandle, about 60 miles north of Amarillo.  In 1997, we were the first within our town to receive DSL internet.  This was massive, as high speed internet was a new innovation at the time, and very few networks were capable to deal with it during it’s early stages.  The internet at that time, was scary for me.  A few years later, my dad let me on Yahoo.  I did what most kids did, chat and play games – but then I did something that at the time, was thought to be near impossible.  At 13 I discovered Geocities.

This was a break through for me.  Geocities was the first free website builder I ever saw, and instead of templates – you could build using pure HTML.  I spent the next year and a half memorizing, experimenting, and building HTML codes.  I taught myself a new language using other peoples codes, figuring out how things work, and then customizing to my own needs.  This was also a time when finding tutorial places extremely rare.

This breakthrough however; was short lived.  I lost interest completely, I felt that my work was now far outdated in what I taught myself, as HTML was replaced by CSS, Java and other scripts.  Losing hope of ever keeping up, I never touched it again.

In grade 12, I met a most remarkable boy.  He was 15 at the time, just starting high school in Grade 10, but managed to catch my interest.  We were friends very quickly after spending a morning together in December, both of us showing up for early exams – only to find out they were in the afternoon.  From computer programming, to what we did for fun – just about everything was our subjects of conversations.  To this day, we believe that fate brought us together.

3 months after that day, we started dating.  I was on the verge of graduating, 10 credits short of my diploma and two spares with nothing to do.  Chris, now my husband, had two computer classes.  He joked and said I should go with him and did the work, see who could get an assignment done first.  I’m not part of the class, and I do believe the only female out of a class of 20.  For about a week, Chris and I challenged the courses, and the teacher finally caught me.  He looked behind me, and saw I just built a calculator in a program that I can’t remember the name of.

I believe he was surprised to see me actually doing work – not on the internet looking at puppies.  He told me to go out in the hall, and stay there.  When he came out, he told me to walk with him to the principals office.  I was terrified, my anxiety levels were bad enough as it was.  At the principals, the teacher said “I want her in my class.  I don’t want her attendance, and I don’t want her being forced.  I do want to give her credit for everything she’s done.”

I almost cried. No teacher had ever showed so much pride, acceptance and encouragement as he did at that moment.  In 3 months, I completed the entire 3 year course.

He was the first person to realize how I learned. He saw my brilliance, and even had me take an IQ test, which at the time was at 175.  Today I estimate it at around 160.  He told me I could learn whatever I wanted to learn, as long as I WANTED to learn it.  Now, keeping in mind I’m 17, very smart, extremely bored, and manic depressive.  There was no point to learning – I didn’t want to live.

7 years have passed, and a lot of what kept me back – self doubt, self hate, and the belief that I would never be anything special – is now starting to fade.  I wanted to learn again.  I wanted to have meaning, here I was, 25 years old with an IQ that was dormant.  I couldn’t even do basic algebra.

My friend Mr. Brown, who read a few of my articles in regards to Sub-Drop and Depression in the kink community, recommended a movie called “Mind Walk.”  It’s a 1980’s movie about a politician, a poet and a physicist talking about the interconnections of the world, and how they see it working.  This movie was extremely dry, and barely kept my attention for more than a few minutes at a time.  My husband joked about being stoned would keep my attention.  I rarely smoked it, with the exception of special occasions and emergency.  I thought about it though, I first began smoking weed to lessen the pain in my hip.  I walked with a cane for around 5 years or so, and painkillers never worked.  Watching movies while influenced often had me thinking of perspectives that were overlooked previously.

So, I made a theory.  ‘Watch the movie high.  Take notes.  Learn from it.’  I failed miserably.  While understanding the concept of interconnections, clockwork mechanics, and the power of thought to change the fabric of economics – I couldn’t see how I could apply that to myself.  Once again, feeling of a failure, I gave up.  Then, something remarkable happened.  I was babysitting my friends 8 year old, and when my friend came back – we started talking.  We started talking about shields, how she imagined shields being built by particles controlled through concentration of will and belief.  This was remarkable, a breakthrough – finally I had a connection to go on.  Magick explained through science.  The ability to change reality.  This radical thinking at first made me go “well, I know magick works… but can it be proven?”

My next discovery was an accident.  I had an episode a few months later, my husband and friends gave me some weed to help calm me down and eat. I stumbled on a video about “What the Fuck Do We Know”.  Stoned out of my mind, this movie was intriguing and entertaining.  Then, they mention something.  Quantum Physics and Mathematics.  Interconnections. The Ultimate Observer.

Suddenly, I had a goal.  “I want to know how to do Quantum Physics.  I want to know how to do the equations.  I want to do something incredible.”  Well, I have no post education, and barely got my high school.

 This was my salvation.  Free, comprehensive lessons that I could do on my own time, for free.  The first week, I completed 3 major math subjects, including basic arithmetic, algebra and trigonometry.  I learned more in that 1 week, than all of my schooling put together.  For the first time, I was understanding and doing mathematics quickly in my head.  My desk right now has over 50 pages, filled back to back with equations, notes and problems.  I can literally go back and watch myself learn new concepts, and connecting each one together.  This was huge.

So, what’s my goal now?

When I have completed all of the mathematical lessons Khan has to offer, I want to challenge a University Degree of Mathematics.  No classes, no tutoring.  On my own, my own time – and getting that degree.  From there, I have proven to myself that I can do anything.


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