Sex is a subject that everyone knows about, but rarely speak about it out loud. It’s ‘dirty’, ‘taboo’, ‘intimate’, ‘beautiful’, ‘sinful’. Why?
How do I view Sex?
Let it be known, I am not shy about talking about sex, nor will I deny my absolute love for it. Like most things I’ve grown to love, I often do a TON of research on the subject beforehand. I’m not talking about porn either. Going through my teens, I was often intrigued by ‘mating’ animals. To me, it felt more like a mechanical ritual, something that we’re programmed for in order to reproduce, nothing more. For that main reason, I never thought of it as ‘dirty’ or ‘wrong’, but rather something we couldn’t help but crave. No emotional attachment, no love, no truer reason. I also understood it was an intimate action between two people, and sacred.
Theory of Love’s Not Real
However; I still remember a sex-ed class in Texas. We were presented a question that went something like this.
There’s a house party, a girl and boy have been drinking and the girl has been hinting and hitting on the guy. She says she’s tired and goes to a room and shuts the blinds and lies down in a bed. The boy, who has been recieving mixed signals from her all night, is confused. Before she falls asleep, she asks if he wants to lie down with her. She falls asleep, and he has sex with her. Later, she cries out ‘Rape.’
The teacher asks the class ‘Did he rape her?’. The majority of the girls, and some of the guys raised their hand. I wasn’t one of them. The teacher asked those who disagreed, why.
I was one of the only girls to disagree, and this is what I said (I think). I replied, no, it wasn’t rape. The boy was acting on what information he had. She had been hitting on him all night, invites him to a room, and then asks for him to lie down with her. This is confusing, and he should not be blamed completely for his actions. The only reason why this could be rape, is that she passed out and was unconscious.
The counter-argument was “well, if she’s not responding – then why didn’t he stop?” At the time, I couldn’t answer. I now understand that a person can still react to sex, even if unconscious. The boy probably thought she was enjoying it, especially if she moaned and followed his movements.
I’m not sure how the conversation went from there, but I remember making the conclusion: Love isn’t real, and it’s especially true for boys. They just want sex, that’s it. I made this conclusion when I was around 12 or 13.
I also made the vow to not have sex until I was at least 18, and with someone that wouldn’t just be a one night stand.
I was never popular to begin with. In fact, I convinced myself no one could ever be my boyfriend/girlfriend. Who would want to spend that sorta time with me? It wasn’t love I was looking for, even into my mid teens, I still didn’t believe it existed. Lust for sure, but not love. Still, evidence was growing to prove the contrary. Couples holding hands in the hallways, kissing, being cute, why? What was driving people to ‘hook up?’ This was something I couldn’t do first hand. I hated myself, and pushed away anyone who tried to court me. High school it was getting harder to stay isolated. I was still convinced boys couldn’t love, and I wasn’t looking for it. I just wanted the attention. I wanted to be with a person who I could hang out with and hold their hand.
The few boyfriends/girlfriends I had – the first thing I said was ‘if you’re looking for sex, go somewhere else.’ One guy was determined to break this vow. After repeatedly telling him ‘no’, he finally threatened to kill me if he found out I had sex with someone else but not him. Lucky for me, he’s no longer in town.
Then I met my husband. He managed to break every false conclusion I’ve made since Texas – and above and beyond what I thought was possible. Unconditional love in the truest sense. He didn’t care I wasn’t popular, he did his own research on my conditions with Depression – he’s even had to wipe my ass for me. 7 years, we’re still together. The first time we had sex – it wasn’t perfect, but it was sacred. It was an act of binding, strengthening our bonds and connecting as one. It’s not mechanical, it’s not horrendous or bad. It’s beautiful, intimate and important. It reminds us that we’re one person in two bodies, that we love and trust each other. We’re together for a reason and not just another person.
Distaste for Tasteless
If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s my distaste for slut-talk. I’m not sure what else to call it, and I’m not calling anyone a slut. An example of this form of … conversation would be like hearing a bunch of girls talking about who they’d rather sleep with. Not celebrities or certain guys, but faceless guys of certain races, dick size, body size. Girls basically talking about their ultimate hunk they want to hump, and look for a new one the next day. There’s nothing wrong with discussing something like this, and most of the time, you can easily avoid getting caught up in ‘slut-talk’. However; when you start adding in details that are NOT needed, start talking about multiple partners in comparison, start bragging about the number of partners… I do my best to exit if possible.
Cosmo is horrible for this – as is most magazines that advertise “Sex Secrets Here!” It’s watered down slut-talk that you’d hear at a bar.
Sin for the Sinners
Of course, then you have the exact opposite of slut-talk to Fear of God. Those who say sex is a sin to those who are unmarried or gay. This has led to a few anger explosions on my part. First of all, my husband and I weren’t married the first time we had sex, second of all – most of my friends are gay, and I’m bisexual.
Sex is not a negative thing. It’s not positive either. Sex is Sex. Rape is a Sin – Love is not. Love not in Marriage is a Sin, but Rape in Marriage is not (according to some beliefs). You see the confusion?
Sex is like anything else – treat it with the sacredness that it is, and you’ll be okay. Treat it like it’s a weapon, and it is. Treat it with fear, and it will consume you.
Putting it all Together
It’s been 15 years since my first thoughts about my views of sex. A lot has changed, and some remain the same. Sex to me is the subject of intimacy. If spoken with respect, it’s no longer taboo. I can have conversations with my friends, of any gender or orientation and it’s not dirty, it’s a simple conversation. Sex is the act of truth, knowledge and understanding both biological and spiritual. It’s not wrong, it shouldn’t be taboo and it’s okay to talk about. It’s a subject that needs respect in order for it to no longer be taboo.