Dragon of the Scribe











{June 29, 2012}   I Can Explain

So, I wrote this one night in my word processor, in fear of it not making sense.  I expected to read it the next day and edit it, but never got around to.  So, this has been added to a few times, expecting to at some point finishing it and never did.  Why I didn’t show this sooner I have no idea, but I find it rather amusing.

Dissecting Einstein’s Quote

Everybody is a Genius

But if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree,

Then it will spend it’s whole life thinking it’s stupid.

How many of you have heard this quote?

How many of you thought deeper about the quote, and truly understand it?

How many of you wrote this all down?

How many of you found yourselves as the regular fish?

Have you found yourself among the special fish?

Have you figured out what a genius is?

Einstein’s quote broken up into what seems to be a simple question, each brings up a thought process to what we call “a profound thought.” A profound thought is that other way of thinking. It’s shown through artwork, inventions, mathematics, philosophy. Every single one of us have this ability. We are all capable of having a profound thought, but most of us don’t realize it. We are lead to believe that only SOME individuals have that unique gift that separates us from them.

Now, the above statement is a profound thought. I had the ability to show how the fish and genius’ were related. I realize that because I had this process, I could say ‘well I’m a genius because I thought of that.’ and it would be true. Having the ability to UNDERSTAND exactly what a profound thought is, makes you different from those who can’t.

This is how we managed to isolate ourselves from everyone else. Most of us have rarely ever taken the time to fully dissect this quote like I have. Those of us who have, could say we are among that population of individuals that could. Following me so far? Okay, because this is where it’s going to get confusing fast.

How do we know what a genius is? They do something no one else can. For example: Inventors. People who designed, created and improved systems. We call them “innovative, creative, brilliant” simply because they took a problem – looked at it differently – and adapted to it to create something new.

So, basically – genius’ have to be known about to be genius’, right? No. A genius is a person who can take that profound thought, and change it into something tangible. They take that thought, and make it true. A dream basically. Individuals with a unique talent, that we all posses and rarely used or talked about.

So again, I make the connection, we are all genius’. We can’t figure out that ‘something special’ about ourselves. We believe we don’t have anything unique or special, and we believe we’re stupid for it. So you see how this becomes a cycle. This is going to get far into the rabbit hole.

So, if it only takes a single profound thought, to make you a genius – then EXPLAINING this process is a profound thought transformed into something tangible. I not only had the ability to write this all down, and explain it to others – I had the ability to see THAT from a different angle, and put it into words.

My tree is my ability to write from a point of view unique to me. I am among the few that could do this, and write it down – but there are those others who have as well. Once again, I’m back in the unique group we call genius’.

And looking from all of this: I am Profound and Enlightened.

No, no I wasn’t.

I missed the point entirely. It’s amazing how a quote can change lives, and take us forever to understand. How we see ourselves, how we judge others, how we perceive so-called perfection among us. That thought right there, is how simple his quote really was. It wasn’t about us knowing what fish could climb a tree, it wasn’t us being a fish, and it wasn’t us being so-called perfect.

I over thought it. It made me realize another thing – for years and years people have been telling me I’m over thinking. Telling me to calm down, tell me to stop worrying about it. It has been what I thought was honestly helping me. Helping me be smarter, helping me deal with things, helping me be rational… and it was why I was destroying myself. Now I realize, they were right. Answers should be simple, and most answers are.

I’m going to meditate once a day for an hour for a week.

No need to.  I found my answer.  It’s as simple as it is.  Motivation = Experiment.  One change in the perception, to change how everything is perceived.  Simple and elegant.

You know… you’d think I’d get it by now.

The facepalm I made when realizing I’m over analyzing is why I kept the page and decided to show it.  I found it comical, knowing very few people would.  I’m learning, and acknowledging it.

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{June 29, 2012}   Sleeping Troubles

One of the worst issues I suffer with is my sleeping patterns.

I went to bed at 12:30 last night, taking sleeping medication to help me fall asleep.  I was averaging only a few hours of sleep at a time a few weeks prior.  Before that, I was averaging around 12 hours of sleep.

3 hours of sleep, near 24 hours of awakefulness  to 12 hours of sleep to only 2 hours of wakefulness.  I woke up at 5:30, I was in bed when my husband came home from work.

Knowing this, I’m too tired and it’s too late for me to want to do anything.  I’m sleepy still, uninterested, and exhausted.  My biggest fear is Leina coming home and being upset with lack of chores done.  I’m insecure, scared and drilling into a whole of hopelessness.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to correct this either.

I know the pills are only meant to HELP allow me to fall asleep, they’re not suppose to knock me out like this.  I am going to stop taking them and seeing how my patterns change.  From there, I’m going to figure out what the pattern is and correct the inconsistancies.  For now, I am taking a day to myself to relax.  There’s no point in working myself up, and Christophe is being understanding.

Some things are easier to fix.  Personality traits such as irrational fear – I know about.  I can work on correcting.  When something like sleep is affected, it takes a lot more awareness, understanding, and analysis to try and correct.  It takes time – and it’s obvious that seeing a doctor about it was a hit and miss.

This is a positive story by the way.  It’s positive because I’m taking a proactive look into a problem, trying to understand it, and experiment to fix it.  If I’m still having serious issues with it, I’ll look for a specialist.  If I’m starting to notice change – then I’m growing stronger.

The other issue that I’m having, is why am I having such a hard time with sleep?  Why did my body not wake myself up?  Well, my dreams are a big part of this.  When I’m having a hard time sleeping – its nightmares as the base cause.  My husband leaving me, or me going to a crush, violence, horror or just plain worst fears come true.  Nightmares are often noticed by my husband.  I bark in my sleep sometimes, or chatter/talk.  When those ‘normal’ sounds turn into crying with thrashing around – Christophe usually wakes me up and moves me where he can keep tabs.

It’s a lot rarer, and harder for outside help when I’m unable to wake up because my dreams are too good.  Last night, Chris and I went to bed, strengthened our bond and went to sleep.  When I woke up, I thought the sun was setting.  Checked my phone, it’s 5:30.

My dream?  I don’t know. I remember it being more fun than scary.  It was adventurous.  Time stopped, and I didn’t want to wake up.

Sleep is important, regular sleep even more so.  I should also mention the hot construction workers outside my window tearing up the side walk and roads.  I slept through it completely.  Alarm clocks won’t wake me up, and the sound of a baby is also ignored.   No, there’s no babies anywhere near us – but I do have a Siamese cat.  His meow is the same frequency as a new born.  He didn’t manage to wake me up.

This is extreme.  The more I learn about myself, the better.



No, I’m not undermining my intelligence – so much as implying it’s to blame.  Answers to a difficult problem are often as difficult to understand as the problem itself.  Like how I’m talking right now, I’m thinking too much.  Over thinking of how to solve this, or how to explain that.  I calculate every detail of my actions, of possibilities and what I do in response.  I think “I really should clean the pages of my math.”  Then, I debate about just keep doing what I’m doing.  Sitting in front of the computer, watching you tube.  Admittedly, they were educational – not the point.

 

I quietly thought to myself – here’s a problem you are now aware of.  Here  is something you have just admitted to yourself doing, how many others can say that?  The ability to put words about something of yourself.  A personality trait, a behavioral quirk, an issue you want to change.  It’s not easy admitting it, and even harder to say it out loud.  Here was a unique opportunity show people how I’m growing as a person.

I wanted to take this time to write this on my blog about how I’m going to change this small part of me.  Starting with picking up the paper.

This, for most people, seems like a small change.  ‘You don’t want to clean up the papers, so you’re going to pick them up?”  It sounds rhetorical and rather idiotic.  It’s not for me.  One of my biggest problems is lack of motivation.  Lack of motivation because I haven’t been inspired.  Pain, anger, rewards – they can only motivate someone so much.  At a certain point, they need a reason – an inspiration.

I need to want it.  So I’m doing this.  I want to visually show other’s my internal structure of my feelings. I want to improve myself as a whole, by picking up the math papers, cleaning the kitchen, and vacuuming.  Beliving that by doing so, I will become happier, healthier and continue to being strong.

 



Every week, I decided to make a goal to help improve myself.  Since this is my first goal, I thought I’d start with something simple, but powerful.

One positive story a day for a year.  The story has to be at least 500 words, have to be true – and has to be positive about myself.

So, what about my first story, what should I write about?  Well, what about what I’m doing right now?  How writing as become my medium for self expression.

I believe everyone has a talent that falls into one of these major catagories.

  • Technology – computers, mechanics, builders, inventors… someone who expresses themselves by creating something new
  • Manual Labour – geologist, hands-on learning, carpenters, sculptors… someone who creates something from basic materials
  • Academics – teachers, scientists, philosophers – someone who expresses themselves through educational discoveries
  • Arts – painters, writers, poets – someone who expresses themselves through creative works (novels, paintings, so on)

These are vague I know… and horribly inaccurate as everyone can fall into any of these or multiple.  It has helped me pinpoint my strengths though, helped me see where my talents and potential lies.

I am not a creator of new things – nor am I really a hands-on sort of person.  However; I do have great passion in Academics, and I’m proving myself to be a decent writer.  I have always been a scribe for knowledge.  Wicca is a great example of this, as I used to have a massive collection of various articles on different subjects.  I was the person to go to when there was a question that was hard to find.  None of these articles, at least very few of them, were actually my own.  I soon later had the misfortune of losing the entire disk when my portable hard drive fried.

I quickly found myself a new passion though.  In December, Chris’ friend bought me one of the grandest gifts of all time.  Everything I’m wearing (with the exception of a few things missing – and excluding the collars) was given to me by this person for Christmas.

Full lycria skin suit – this is the same thing some performers wear to do UV puppets, dances and so on.  Full arm, leather bondage gloves that can be turned into paws.  A belt for a tail, and some restraints to keep me from standing up.  This is Puppy Play.  A relatively mild form of kink, related to things like Pony Play.  It started out as a punishment for subs, being treated as a dog – but then it turned into something much more than that.  A lot of people ENJOYED being a dog.  For me, this was a calling.  This was something that was a part of me, and I always loved pretending to be a dog.

So, of course before I did ANYTHING, I do what I always do.  Research.  I wanted to know safety, what I needed to do, what was expected and so on.  I spent HOURS upon hours looking for anything in regards to it – and there was very little information that wasn’t out right porn.  Once I felt comfortable enough, I had my first puppy play session with my friends.

The next few days left me completely unprepared.  I went through a Sub-Drop that lasted a good week.  It wasn’t until I started actually LOOKING for articles about it, did I actually find it.  It wasn’t talked about at all in anything I read.  Not even the mere mention of the potential dangers of sub drop.  This not only surprised me, I was outraged.  I began looking it up, and realized that a lot of deaths associated with the KINK community (which has a strong emphasis of safety) were actually caused by suicides.  Not only that, but people were afraid of talking about their experiences.  I knew this had to change.

I began writing.  At first I was writing about how I was feeling, and encouraging others to share.  Then, I began detailing what it was, and how to help over come it.

This article was my discovery about my ability to write about subjects that are considered taboo in a way that people can relate to.  Instead of seeing it as something negative, people were beginning to see the articles in relations to themselves, not me.  My writing, despite being personal experiences, were not being seen as egotistical or pity-seeking.  They were being treated as ‘I’m not alone.’

This is my positive story of the day.  If it wasn’t for that experience, I would have never known my true calling as a Scribe.



et cetera