Dragon of the Scribe











{July 5, 2012}   I Miss Being a Wuttunee…

I miss singing and dancing, I miss hearing the drums and the smell of sweet grass. I miss the language, the feeling of family. I wish I payed more attention, and took the time to remember what the culture was suppose to be. All I see now, is what it’s turned into.

My cousin Stephane posted a picture of him, playing a traditional Cree drum. The first thing that I remembered: singing(howling) at my Great Grandma’s funeral. Then I remembered the festivals and celebrations I used to dance in. Growing up, I was so proud of being Cree. I was proud of my name.

I’m part of one of the largest Cree bloodlines, many of my close relatives have a name for themselves. Winston, Wanda, Stephane, Elsie (I love you Grandma). Yet, I distance myself.

The pride I used to have for being Native, was immense when I was growing up.  I was proud to dance.  I was proud to know the language, even if it was only small fragments.   I loved and cherished my true birth name.  N,tanis (which is prounced En-taun-ce, best I can do.)  Growing up in Texas, being the only Native family – it was different.  Americans portray Natives like in Cowboy movies, very traditionally.  Growing up when I was in Canada, I only really knew the traditional Native ways.  Coming home, things started to change.

The Wuttunee family is a very large family, though I’m not sure how the numbers are now.  A lot of Wuttunee’s have had their names well known across the country and oversea’s.  Winston Wuttunee – my God father – has been producing records since as long as I can remember.  Stephane Wuttunee  – who’s picture is above – an author, adventurer and a person who has embraced the old ways with the new.  Elsie Wuttunee… my grandmother, who was commanded by Queen Elizabeth the Second herself, for tea.

Grandma (Elsie) once asked me who I wanted to marry, I was 8 years old. I told her I wanted to marry a man from France. 15 years later, give or take – I met my husband in high school. He’s the first born Canada, his family is from France.

She would be appalled by me right now.  Not because I was right, but because of what I turned into.  The little girl who had big dreams, big idea’s, and the shine that could blind – grown up into a being who has thrown away her pedigree, and turned into a stray.  If she saw me now, I don’t think she’d recognize me.  My long thick black hair, now mostly shaved, with a few pieces left behind.  Tanned skin that once was the envy, now paled and dull.  My sense of belonging, severed.  I hold no rights to the Wuttunee name, I’ve disgraced it.  Not only have I become something she would be ashamed of, but I’m only adding the numbers that want to crush what she’s tried to accomplish.

Elsie was an educational worker, with the mission to improve relations between Natives and Canada.  Funding for schooling, so that Natives had a better chance to go to post-education programs. Metis rights.  She fought for a lot of things, we now take for granted.  Money that would mean I had a brighter future, a chance to make something of myself.  I could do it, still.  So why haven’t I?

Most people wouldn’t have a clue I was Native, and those who do, are often surprised.  Why? For one simple reason.  I’m not what they expect.

Racism exists!  It will always exist! It’s not our faults.  Stereotyping exists, and this is with good reason.  These are related, but not the same thing.  For example.

“I hate how immigrant cab-drives drive.”  <— This, is racism.  This is also, stereotyping.  If you have ever been to India, you know how the rules of the road are vastly different.  It’s basically move where you can, and try to make it there alive.  It’s not surprising that many cab drivers are a bit scary.  However; let’s say everyone from India was the same race, and still drive like they do – we would still go “Stop driving like you’re in a big city!”

“Fuckin’ injuns need to get a damn job.”  <— That’s racism.  My town’s ‘homeless’ population, are mostly native.  Most ‘Natives’ we think about ,especially on reserves – are heavy drinkers and gamblers.  They rely on the gov’t to look after them.  They take what’s given, and flip off the white man for beating them down.

I can’t speak for anyone else.  This is just what I see.  It’s what I see with my own eyes, and how I watch others.

I am so afraid to take money from the Gov’t to go to school.  I want to go, I really do.  I don’t know what I want to do, but school is something I want.  All I have to do is bring my family records, and get my Metis status.  I don’t qualify for Treaty.  So why haven’t I done it yet?

My perception of what Native means – is not the same what it meant when I was growing up.  The sense of belonging, of pride… it’s disappeared.  I have physically removed myself from my immediate family.  My parents, my brothers, even my niece.   I know I’m running out of time with my father.  Every day, I know my dad is suffering, missing me.  I also know that going home, would only bring harder aches.

At least I know where I stand.  Here, I’m safe.  Here, I have options.  Here, I’m not at risk of being bullied and harassed by people who I’m suppose to love.

The blood that runs in my veins is strong, but it’s also why I’ve retreated so far away from.  How can I cherish a name, a culture – when going home to the people I’m suppose to love – send me back to the shadows?  I love my family.  I miss my family.  I don’t miss the verbal massacres from simply walking through a door.

At least where I stand now, I have a family who  I can trust.  A family who has taken the time to help me, understand me, and work with me.

I miss what my name stood for.

 

 

 



I’m doing an experiment using information about how our subconscious actually does most of the work.  This information I’ve gathered from my own theory of discovery, and Horizon: Out of Control? documentary that basically blew my theory out of the water.

IF what they’re saying is true, and our brain does most things, like knitting, walking, and even brushing your hair – then can we trick our actually conscious of doing the work?

So the experiment is going to go something like this.

Things I’m using:

  • MP3 player and headphones (my android, 8tracks, and Steele Series gamer headphones)
  • Massive stack of dirty dishes
  • 1 unwilling subject.

Question:

I HATE DISHES!  I mean, passionately.  Nothing that is normal motivation for most people, really works on me.  Disclipline, rewards,  even routines – I hate doing chores with a passion.

However; I also know how to do dishes really well.  Once I’m doing them, I just get bored because it’s automatic.  If it’s automatic, that means my actual perception is free.  I hate doing dishes because, well, I’m lazy.  I’m also bored.  Extremely bored, and I need something to focus on.  For some people, it’s TV.  That doesn’t work, I get distracted.  I need something that is invisible.

I should also make note:  This is not new – I’m not pretending to be on something big, but I am curious to see how it works for me.  Can it work for me, and if so, how?

Most people daydream when doing household tasks, it’s why some people really enjoy them.  Unfortunately, this also doesn’t work for me.  Thinking too much on my own, tends to leave me loathing the chores.  So, what can I do instead?

Procedure:

I am going to listen to a playlist that I know I like, in order to feel better.

Brony Beat Mix

This music is fun, energetic, and makes me dance immediately.  I am going to completely focus on the music, and try to ignore the task at hand as much as possible.

Warning – Incorrect action.  Smoking two puffs of weed during an intermission.  Experiment contaminated due to altered state of mind, giving no clear data.  Experiment VOID

My hypothesis:

My hope is that while focusing on the fun music, I will be able to get dishes done, and not feel horrible.

Results:

Surprising.

I honestly believed I would not lose track of what I was doing completely.  I also thought that I would lose myself in thought as deeply as I did.  I know I was seeing the world around, I was aware of my surroundings completely and  I knew I was doing the dishes.  However;  I found having to say that is rather odd.  I had times when I suddenly knew I was doing the dishes.  I suddenly became highly aware of lyrics, while others I couldn’t recall.  It made me realize how often I’m on autopilot.   Again, not new information.

However, due to a flaw on my part during the experiment, this is void.  Therefore; inconclusive until a better test is conducted, under stricter conditions.

Conclusion:

Inconclusive as a whole.  However – results appear to have strong evidence of providing an answer.  So far though, yes, I do believe that distracting yourself allows your subconscious to take over.   I also believe that with all the variations, answer will never be conclusive, but rather flexible in terms of outcomes.  This however – remains inconclusive due to improper procedures during half of the procedure.

Variations:

Depending on the conclusion, if successful – what can contribute? What are possible variation’s that could change the outcome?

  • Types of music – music I hate, music I’ve never heard of, slow music, active music …
  • Moods – good mood, bad mood, what about faking moods?
  • What else could change?

Readers note:

No, I’m not an idiot.  I only managed to turn something well known and used for years, as an experiment to motivate me to do dishes.  It’s just amazing what you can learn about yourself, simply by asking simple questions.  Chris does the same thing when he walks to work.  Puts on headphones, listens to music, and just go on his journey.

This is not a new concept to me in the least.  In fact, I usually have music in the background when I’m doing chores.  This really wasn’t about that though.  The actual question I asked was “Why does this work?”  Sometimes, working backwards is the best way of getting your answer.

I’m not doing this to go “lawl, I’m so smoark:”.  I’m merely adjusting my glasses and testing the waters.

By figuring out how I can improve myself – I’m also figuring out how things can piece together.  It’s also why this is voided for the use of weed.  It tainted the data.

This experiment was also a form of art, I guess you could say.  I took a complex idea – the idea of making yourself go in autopilot – without hypnosis or any other form of pseudoscience – and gave it a simple process of how your life relates to that.  I broke it down into parts, so that I could basically slow down time, and watch the process from different angles.  I also found that people have a hard time understanding a concept when they feel it doesn’t apply to everyday life.  To me, nothing is as beautiful as expressing a new concept, in a way that people can understand.  I’m breaking down ‘logic’ in other words.

I also know that people are going to look at this in one of two ways:

  • They’ll understand the thought process, and get it or
  • I’m an idiot, and this is bullshit

I honestly don’t care what you think.



{June 29, 2012}   I Can Explain

So, I wrote this one night in my word processor, in fear of it not making sense.  I expected to read it the next day and edit it, but never got around to.  So, this has been added to a few times, expecting to at some point finishing it and never did.  Why I didn’t show this sooner I have no idea, but I find it rather amusing.

Dissecting Einstein’s Quote

Everybody is a Genius

But if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree,

Then it will spend it’s whole life thinking it’s stupid.

How many of you have heard this quote?

How many of you thought deeper about the quote, and truly understand it?

How many of you wrote this all down?

How many of you found yourselves as the regular fish?

Have you found yourself among the special fish?

Have you figured out what a genius is?

Einstein’s quote broken up into what seems to be a simple question, each brings up a thought process to what we call “a profound thought.” A profound thought is that other way of thinking. It’s shown through artwork, inventions, mathematics, philosophy. Every single one of us have this ability. We are all capable of having a profound thought, but most of us don’t realize it. We are lead to believe that only SOME individuals have that unique gift that separates us from them.

Now, the above statement is a profound thought. I had the ability to show how the fish and genius’ were related. I realize that because I had this process, I could say ‘well I’m a genius because I thought of that.’ and it would be true. Having the ability to UNDERSTAND exactly what a profound thought is, makes you different from those who can’t.

This is how we managed to isolate ourselves from everyone else. Most of us have rarely ever taken the time to fully dissect this quote like I have. Those of us who have, could say we are among that population of individuals that could. Following me so far? Okay, because this is where it’s going to get confusing fast.

How do we know what a genius is? They do something no one else can. For example: Inventors. People who designed, created and improved systems. We call them “innovative, creative, brilliant” simply because they took a problem – looked at it differently – and adapted to it to create something new.

So, basically – genius’ have to be known about to be genius’, right? No. A genius is a person who can take that profound thought, and change it into something tangible. They take that thought, and make it true. A dream basically. Individuals with a unique talent, that we all posses and rarely used or talked about.

So again, I make the connection, we are all genius’. We can’t figure out that ‘something special’ about ourselves. We believe we don’t have anything unique or special, and we believe we’re stupid for it. So you see how this becomes a cycle. This is going to get far into the rabbit hole.

So, if it only takes a single profound thought, to make you a genius – then EXPLAINING this process is a profound thought transformed into something tangible. I not only had the ability to write this all down, and explain it to others – I had the ability to see THAT from a different angle, and put it into words.

My tree is my ability to write from a point of view unique to me. I am among the few that could do this, and write it down – but there are those others who have as well. Once again, I’m back in the unique group we call genius’.

And looking from all of this: I am Profound and Enlightened.

No, no I wasn’t.

I missed the point entirely. It’s amazing how a quote can change lives, and take us forever to understand. How we see ourselves, how we judge others, how we perceive so-called perfection among us. That thought right there, is how simple his quote really was. It wasn’t about us knowing what fish could climb a tree, it wasn’t us being a fish, and it wasn’t us being so-called perfect.

I over thought it. It made me realize another thing – for years and years people have been telling me I’m over thinking. Telling me to calm down, tell me to stop worrying about it. It has been what I thought was honestly helping me. Helping me be smarter, helping me deal with things, helping me be rational… and it was why I was destroying myself. Now I realize, they were right. Answers should be simple, and most answers are.

I’m going to meditate once a day for an hour for a week.

No need to.  I found my answer.  It’s as simple as it is.  Motivation = Experiment.  One change in the perception, to change how everything is perceived.  Simple and elegant.

You know… you’d think I’d get it by now.

The facepalm I made when realizing I’m over analyzing is why I kept the page and decided to show it.  I found it comical, knowing very few people would.  I’m learning, and acknowledging it.



{June 29, 2012}   My Brain Hurts – Again.

I have a theory that this title will begin to become a trend.  Also, I’ve discovered two brand new things.

  1. I’m going to read and review a book my cousin recommended to me.
  2. I really don’t want to read the book, so I turned it into an experiment.

Okay, so I’m going to review a book my cousin is trying to shove down my throat.  I love my cousin, he’s one of my closest relatives that I still feel loved by – but a book isn’t likely to teach me anything new.  I’m keeping the book a secret at the moment.  Not because I don’t want you guys to know what it is – I’m just too ignorant (yeah, I’m using that word) to bother remembering the name right now.  I’m too ignorant because I honestly believe that book has nothing new to teach me.  It will tell me things I already know, and is doing what I’m trying to do now.  I’m scared that book has already accomplished what I wanted with this blog.

If it did, it either proves me right or wrong.

It proves me right that a person can cure their own depression, wrote a book about it – and helping people.  I read it, recommend it – and become part of that cycle.  It also means that this is an incorrect experiment for figuring out Discovery.  I’m now part of the equation that is trapped within the box.

It disproves to teach me anything new, and it continues being a waste of time.  Either way, I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to read the book, but now my Husband wants me to.  If for nothing else, as an experiment.  Since I came up with these possibilities of what the book will do – I now have to prove it.  I now have to prove what the question is, and what the possibilities are.  And I come up with something extraordinary.

Motivation’s for are experiments!  This is where my brain exploded.  I now know how to motivate myself, and that is incredible.  Praise, rewards, discipline – normal methods of teaching new concepts don’t work for me.  House work was never positive, no matter how I looked at it – work was work.  What if I started looking at it as an experiment.

My husband is a genius.  As soon as I mentioned this possible concept – he had idea’s. And so, my life of experimentation begins.  Theory of Discoveries, and understanding breakthroughs here I come.

 

So yes, I will be doing a review on the book my cousin recommended me.  Want to know something hilarious now?  I went to look for the name of the book, and couldn’t find it.  I did find the name of the author, John F. Demeitri.

I am a genius.  I’m also an idiot.



No, I’m not undermining my intelligence – so much as implying it’s to blame.  Answers to a difficult problem are often as difficult to understand as the problem itself.  Like how I’m talking right now, I’m thinking too much.  Over thinking of how to solve this, or how to explain that.  I calculate every detail of my actions, of possibilities and what I do in response.  I think “I really should clean the pages of my math.”  Then, I debate about just keep doing what I’m doing.  Sitting in front of the computer, watching you tube.  Admittedly, they were educational – not the point.

 

I quietly thought to myself – here’s a problem you are now aware of.  Here  is something you have just admitted to yourself doing, how many others can say that?  The ability to put words about something of yourself.  A personality trait, a behavioral quirk, an issue you want to change.  It’s not easy admitting it, and even harder to say it out loud.  Here was a unique opportunity show people how I’m growing as a person.

I wanted to take this time to write this on my blog about how I’m going to change this small part of me.  Starting with picking up the paper.

This, for most people, seems like a small change.  ‘You don’t want to clean up the papers, so you’re going to pick them up?”  It sounds rhetorical and rather idiotic.  It’s not for me.  One of my biggest problems is lack of motivation.  Lack of motivation because I haven’t been inspired.  Pain, anger, rewards – they can only motivate someone so much.  At a certain point, they need a reason – an inspiration.

I need to want it.  So I’m doing this.  I want to visually show other’s my internal structure of my feelings. I want to improve myself as a whole, by picking up the math papers, cleaning the kitchen, and vacuuming.  Beliving that by doing so, I will become happier, healthier and continue to being strong.

 



{June 26, 2012}   Education of Self

Learning is something I’ve always enjoyed, but school was difficult.  Due to distractions, lack of interest, or just not wanting to be at school made my academic progress falter greatly.

Both teachers and my parents thought I was slow, lazy or just plain arrogant towards my educational goals. The fact was, I was very smart, and very dedicated into doing something that I wanted to learn.

I never made A’s or B’s.  In fact, I got excited seeing a C on my report cards.  Final exams were a breeze for me, often getting 80’s, and even 90’s – despite having a 40% mark on my last report card.  It’s not because I studied extra hard, it’s just that once I learned something – I remember it.  I often got very bored in classes, often doodling on the paper – or staring off into space thinking about possibilities of how the knowledge would be viable in real life. It also didn’t help that during my time in high school, I was also counting down my own clock.  My depression was so deep and painful, I didn’t expect myself to be strong enough to survive.

Despite what I thought, and everyone else at the time about my failing grades – I knew I couldn’t have been an idiot.  Final exams aside.  When I was 12 year’s old, I lived in a small town named Pampa, Texas.  It’s located in the ‘Gray County’ of the Texan Panhandle, about 60 miles north of Amarillo.  In 1997, we were the first within our town to receive DSL internet.  This was massive, as high speed internet was a new innovation at the time, and very few networks were capable to deal with it during it’s early stages.  The internet at that time, was scary for me.  A few years later, my dad let me on Yahoo.  I did what most kids did, chat and play games – but then I did something that at the time, was thought to be near impossible.  At 13 I discovered Geocities.

This was a break through for me.  Geocities was the first free website builder I ever saw, and instead of templates – you could build using pure HTML.  I spent the next year and a half memorizing, experimenting, and building HTML codes.  I taught myself a new language using other peoples codes, figuring out how things work, and then customizing to my own needs.  This was also a time when finding tutorial places extremely rare.

This breakthrough however; was short lived.  I lost interest completely, I felt that my work was now far outdated in what I taught myself, as HTML was replaced by CSS, Java and other scripts.  Losing hope of ever keeping up, I never touched it again.

In grade 12, I met a most remarkable boy.  He was 15 at the time, just starting high school in Grade 10, but managed to catch my interest.  We were friends very quickly after spending a morning together in December, both of us showing up for early exams – only to find out they were in the afternoon.  From computer programming, to what we did for fun – just about everything was our subjects of conversations.  To this day, we believe that fate brought us together.

3 months after that day, we started dating.  I was on the verge of graduating, 10 credits short of my diploma and two spares with nothing to do.  Chris, now my husband, had two computer classes.  He joked and said I should go with him and did the work, see who could get an assignment done first.  I’m not part of the class, and I do believe the only female out of a class of 20.  For about a week, Chris and I challenged the courses, and the teacher finally caught me.  He looked behind me, and saw I just built a calculator in a program that I can’t remember the name of.

I believe he was surprised to see me actually doing work – not on the internet looking at puppies.  He told me to go out in the hall, and stay there.  When he came out, he told me to walk with him to the principals office.  I was terrified, my anxiety levels were bad enough as it was.  At the principals, the teacher said “I want her in my class.  I don’t want her attendance, and I don’t want her being forced.  I do want to give her credit for everything she’s done.”

I almost cried. No teacher had ever showed so much pride, acceptance and encouragement as he did at that moment.  In 3 months, I completed the entire 3 year course.

He was the first person to realize how I learned. He saw my brilliance, and even had me take an IQ test, which at the time was at 175.  Today I estimate it at around 160.  He told me I could learn whatever I wanted to learn, as long as I WANTED to learn it.  Now, keeping in mind I’m 17, very smart, extremely bored, and manic depressive.  There was no point to learning – I didn’t want to live.

7 years have passed, and a lot of what kept me back – self doubt, self hate, and the belief that I would never be anything special – is now starting to fade.  I wanted to learn again.  I wanted to have meaning, here I was, 25 years old with an IQ that was dormant.  I couldn’t even do basic algebra.

My friend Mr. Brown, who read a few of my articles in regards to Sub-Drop and Depression in the kink community, recommended a movie called “Mind Walk.”  It’s a 1980’s movie about a politician, a poet and a physicist talking about the interconnections of the world, and how they see it working.  This movie was extremely dry, and barely kept my attention for more than a few minutes at a time.  My husband joked about being stoned would keep my attention.  I rarely smoked it, with the exception of special occasions and emergency.  I thought about it though, I first began smoking weed to lessen the pain in my hip.  I walked with a cane for around 5 years or so, and painkillers never worked.  Watching movies while influenced often had me thinking of perspectives that were overlooked previously.

So, I made a theory.  ‘Watch the movie high.  Take notes.  Learn from it.’  I failed miserably.  While understanding the concept of interconnections, clockwork mechanics, and the power of thought to change the fabric of economics – I couldn’t see how I could apply that to myself.  Once again, feeling of a failure, I gave up.  Then, something remarkable happened.  I was babysitting my friends 8 year old, and when my friend came back – we started talking.  We started talking about shields, how she imagined shields being built by particles controlled through concentration of will and belief.  This was remarkable, a breakthrough – finally I had a connection to go on.  Magick explained through science.  The ability to change reality.  This radical thinking at first made me go “well, I know magick works… but can it be proven?”

My next discovery was an accident.  I had an episode a few months later, my husband and friends gave me some weed to help calm me down and eat. I stumbled on a video about “What the Fuck Do We Know”.  Stoned out of my mind, this movie was intriguing and entertaining.  Then, they mention something.  Quantum Physics and Mathematics.  Interconnections. The Ultimate Observer.

Suddenly, I had a goal.  “I want to know how to do Quantum Physics.  I want to know how to do the equations.  I want to do something incredible.”  Well, I have no post education, and barely got my high school.

 This was my salvation.  Free, comprehensive lessons that I could do on my own time, for free.  The first week, I completed 3 major math subjects, including basic arithmetic, algebra and trigonometry.  I learned more in that 1 week, than all of my schooling put together.  For the first time, I was understanding and doing mathematics quickly in my head.  My desk right now has over 50 pages, filled back to back with equations, notes and problems.  I can literally go back and watch myself learn new concepts, and connecting each one together.  This was huge.

So, what’s my goal now?

When I have completed all of the mathematical lessons Khan has to offer, I want to challenge a University Degree of Mathematics.  No classes, no tutoring.  On my own, my own time – and getting that degree.  From there, I have proven to myself that I can do anything.



et cetera